Attempted changeling

It was monday, when I had lunch with a very dear friend whom I see too little of, that she told me to make a list. I had to visualise myself as I want my life to be. And write that down in present tense. She told me that the universe only provides for people who are convinced they deserve the good they get. If you keep sending negative thoughts out about what you get, and consider yourself unworthy, then you're not going to succeed.

That does make some sense. And since that conversation I suddenly notice every time I have a negative thought, stop myself and try to change it into a positive. But friggin' hell, I have a lot of negative thoughts! Where does that come from? Why are humans prone to self doubt and feelings of unworthiness? You never see a bird pondering whether they're worthy of that lovely nest they built or the mate they have, right?

It kind of works. Thinking in successful positives. I say them aloud and feel like a right knob, but it does seem to work. As most of my friends and family know, I like to drive at the speed limit and slow/bad drivers are the bane of my existence. I now often say 'this slow driver WILL move into the other lane' and it does happen. Or 'this slow driver WILL suddenly realise the speed limit is 70 and not 50' and that worked too.

I had to be at the Dutch consulate yesterday at 1.15 pm, but as the parking in the city is extremely expensive and hard to find I decided to drive and find a free park in Fitzroy and catch the tram for the last bit. So I said as I was driving 'I WILL find a 3 hour park, I WILL catch the next tram into town and I WILL get to my appointment on time.' I said it several times. It's not unusual for me to talk in my car by myself. But usually I'm having imaginary conversations with the slow and terrible drivers on the road around me. They go a bit like this: 'Gramps, please, move into the slow lane!' Or 'Come on, nanna, you can make it to sixty, really, you can do it! Just press the accelerator down a little more! You can do it!'

But yesterday I did find a 3 hour park, caught the tram easily and made it to my appointment on time with no hassles. So, I don't know whether it was luck or the power of my positive thoughts, but I am going to accredit it to my positive thinking, because that's how this deal works, right?

It's hard though. I have a lot of things that I feel very negatively about. I am quite upset about a few things that have happened to me. And surely that's natural. It feels like the things I strive for can never just happen as I would like them, there always has to be some sort of obstacle or blockage that stops things from happening. My friend is convinced I am the one blocking myself but I am not convinced of that. Why would I sabotage my own happiness? I feel worthy of happiness. I do.

I do feel happy, actually. Most of the time. I just get very frustrated with the many challenges I keep getting faced with, and it's hard not to get discouraged. Or depressed.

But enough of that. It's a sunny day and I have work to do. 

Duality

I went to get my Dutch passport renewed today. It was a little strange, because I am quite sure everyone at the consulate spoke Dutch, but we all spoke English to each other. I found that weird. But oh well. They had to take a photo for my passport, and after I spent a good time after the gym this morning fixing my hair and my fringe in particular, I was asked to push all my hair to the side, my forehead had to be visible. The resulting photo is woeful! That's going to be in my passport for years! Sigh.

There was a big poster in the Dutch consulate of the Keukenhof, a permanent tulip garden, which is about a 10 minute bike ride from the town I grew up in. It made me smile and think if the tulip fields I used to ride my bike past every spring. I can't remember the last time I was at the Keukenhof. At least 20 years ago.

I then went and had a coffee and a baguette at the Commercial Bakery, which I had found by using my Good Cafe Guide app from The Age. I am always keen to find good coffee. And I love it when apps are helpful. The coffee was good and the baguette was delicious. It was nice to be in the CBD, tucking into something delicious in a hidden laneway. It was very Melbourne. It made me think about my dual life. I am so Melbourne, but I am also still quite Dutch. And I like that. It's not an easy life, but it's an interesting life.

I look forward to going back to Amsterdam. I have really fallen in love with that town last year. I was never that interested in it when I lived in Holland, and even after, when my sister moved there and loved it, I couldn't really be bothered with it. But last year, when I had lots of time to ride my bike along its lovely canals and enjoy its hidden gems, I really came to appreciate it.

I am the Dutchstralian, and that's the way I like it. 

Here's me.

Ok. Enough deleting posts because I get too self conscious about everything I write. I am done with feeling bad about stuff. I am done with all these challenges that life keeps throwing at me. In case life hasn't noticed, I am not very good at catching! Stop throwing curve balls, I am prone to dropping things!

I am done with feeling guilty. I am done with feeling bad.

I am done with letting my own thoughts convince me I am worthless.

I am done looking for my confidence in what other say/not say to or about me.

Here's who I am. In case you don't know me.

I have amazingly lovely hair. It's soft and silky and a beautiful brown with a sparkle of red if the light falls on it just so. My hairdresser told me on friday that I have amazing hair, and her colleague remarked it looks like a Sun Silk Ad. So. I have nice hair, just to start with.

I also look after my teeth very well. I floss and brush with love and care. My oral hygienist always compliments how well I care for my teeth. And she was really grateful I emailed her the details of the Lululemon outlet after telling her about it last week. Because I am good like that. I want to share good stuff with good people.

I am a good height, a healthy weight and I exercise with joy and regularity. I appreciate my body, I think it deserves looking after. I love dancing. It makes me feel good.

My favourite colour is green. My eyes are green. Green is a good, happy colour, and the little girls I look after always make sure I get the green plate and cup when we have lunch. Because they love me. I love that about them.

I am very quirky. I am endeared by little creatures and animated characters. Like Om Nom, pictured below. I also really like birds and squirrels. And owls. I really like owls. I have an amazing friend who always gets me cute animal gifts. She lives in Perth at the moment and I really miss her. But we speak on Skype regularly.

I really like kids. I have a job as a nanny, as I have done for the last six years. Kids are fabulous company.  They are always clear about their feelings, and will never hide their love for you. They are frank and funny and will always try to please you. But I am not ready to have my own, I am not sure I will ever be.

I have an amazing husband. We've been together for nearly eight years, and married for three. We are so different, but always agree on the important things. We make each other happy. And we always make an effort to connect when life pulls us in different directions or challenges us individually. We never argue. We disagree sometimes, but we never yell at each other or take things out on one another. If we say something hurtful to the other, and we know we have, we always apologise and remind the other that we're frustrated with the situation, not with the other. We will be that lovely old couple who are still in love in fifty years time.

My fingers and toes are nearly always cold. Poor circulation. I hate it. 

I really love my family. They are very far away from me, but they are constantly on my mind and always in my heart. I worry about my mother a lot at the moment. She has diabetes, is financially in a bit of a pickle and has a very naughty dog who at the same time is a great friend to her and gets her walking in the woods. She loves walking in the woods. I haven't met the dog yet. But I think he suits our family, because he's a bit crazy like the rest of us. My mother is the warmest, most generous person I have ever met. She has taught me the most important lesson in life: It's better to learn from something that you have done than to regret not having done something. She also has taught me to savour amazing moments in life. And she's taught me how to relax to the fullest and enjoy it. Do you know how many people don't know how to relax? 

I have a really cool big sister who lives in Amsterdam. For years we didn't connect very well, but since she overcame her fear of flying to be my bridesmaid here in Australia, and we had time to spend together since then, we've become close. She has great taste in music, is a very loyal friend, she's gorgeous and funny and I really look up to her. She's my big sister and she rocks.

My extended family is also very dear to me, they are scattered across Europe and I love spending time with them. I try and see as much and as many of them as I possibly can when I go over there.

A have a few very lovely friends. I don't see them very often, or not as often as I'd like. Most of them do not live nearby. But I could not live without them. 

I have a crocodile toy which was a gift for my fourth birthday - he's old and green (kind of) and lives in my bed. Near my pillow, usually. I also have a fluffy On Nom toy on my side of bed. My husband doesn't have any creatures on his side of the bed, but there are birds on our doona cover. 

Our house is very cosy. Think Ikea catalogue. It's also in a constant state of renovation. We've been renovating it for the seven years we've had it. It drives me nuts. It's a slow and painful process but the end result is always amazing.

I worry a lot. Currently I do not know what I'm meant to be doing with my life. I am in limbo about my choices - I wanted to go to uni but due to a series of unfortunate events I might not be able to. I feel lonely a lot. And I tend to have enormously high expectations of myself. I quickly doubt myself. 

I am always able to completely tear myself down and convince myself I'm no good.

But I'm going to stop that now. I'm done with that. I'm going to write here instead. 

Oh, and I really like cake. And chocolate.