Fixy

Those of you who know me quite well, and most of you do, know that I like to fix things. It's not only that I enjoy fixing things and the end result, it's also a lot to do with not being able to let broken things be broken. If it's fixable, I will try my damnedest to do so. Lucky for me, I am also quite handy and resourceful, and not too shabby with tools (even the human variety!) I like things to be in perfect working condition, from drawers to computers. Things need to work, run smoothly, life needs to be as easy as possible so that there are no delays and frustrations. That's why I love Apple products, they make my life easier, they are super efficient and help me be organised. I also love the extent to which you can customise everything so it's optimised for your life. (I am not paid by Apple to say these things, but I wish I was.)

I am the only one in our little family of three to be like that. Both my mother and sister are quite able to deal with something being broken in their environment for an extended amount of time.
So I ended up doing quite a bit of fixing at my sister's place last year. For at least six months, if not a year before I arrived last year, her bathroom sink was broken. And by broken I mean that she accidentally pushed her push-down drain plug so hard that she pushed out the actual plumbing underneath. If you dropped something in her sink, it would fall through the plug hole and end up in the cabinet underneath. Of course, this also included the water from the tap. So she stopped using it. When I went to stay at her place, I couldn't believe she could live without a functioning sink in her bathroom for months, when it didn't seem that complicated to fix. I had never really fixed plumbing to such an extent before, but I was sure I could manage.
So I went to her local hardware store, explained the situation to the nice man who owned the place, got the necessary advice as well as what I needed to fix the plumbing. It wasn't hard, the hardest part was the lack of good tools. For example, I had to measure the circumference of her drainpipes by circling them on a piece of paper and taking that into the hardware store. This was mere days before Phizz and I became close friends. It would have been fantastic to have know Phizz then as well as I do now, he would have had all the tools I needed. Nevertheless, I got the job done and it is still fully functioning.

Phizz is, like me, also very fixy and I love that. He is probably even more fixy than I am. He fixes leaky taps in public toilets and other things around that the world not owned by him, which has often made people think he was the hired engineer rather than just a good Samaritan. I don't go that far, but I go further than most. I fix things for people, but often I fix things that belong to others that I need to use just because I cannot stand using broken/inefficient things. My sister's shower and mixer tap really need to be fixed at the moment. It is only because I didn't have the tools with me that it is still spraying water out the side where it shouldn't.

But it is also a new way of thinking that has stopped me from fixing everything: sometimes I just need to let things be broken, because it's not mine to fix and the person I fix things for might not appreciate the time and effort I put into fixing their things, and/or they don't even care it is broken. Often they are things I would only use a few times in my life. They are not my problem. Half of the halogen lights at my sister's place aren't working, most notably the two bedside lights. It frustrated the hell out of me the few nights I have slept there in the last two months, but I haven't replaced them because I couldn't afford to and that's also probably why my sister hasn't. It's not a priority for her, why should it be for me?

But I do love the satisfaction I feel when I have fixed something and it is restored to a fully functioning order. Today I fixed the two spring-loaded dog leads that Mum's dog had broken (by chewing through the cords when we used them to tie him to something when he rather just run around) and now they are just fine again. She bought the second one to replace the first broken one, and she would have had to another buy a new one if I hadn't been around. Those things are not cheap. So I feel extra happy when I can fix things like that.

And so I have a million things that I fix around the world. I like fixing things, I will keep on fixing things until I will be frustrated to the max when I cannot do so anymore because I am old and no longer nimble. But until then, fixy is my middle name. Florence Fixy Nulens.

Lost and at home

Hilarious this! I just downloaded the 'blogger' app so I could finally enter another post on my much neglected blog while out, and it turns out you cannot tilt your screen sideways to write in it with a wider screen/ keyboard. Talk about ironic when it comes to a app which one would use for writing mostly.

That's besides the point. The point is, I haven't been blogging like a good little writer ought to. Mostly because I am extremely busy and occupied while in Europe, more so than usual when I'm in the Netherlands. I have also been unable to sleep, so at night time instead of writing I lay awake with my mind racing and then shutting up said thoughts by watching tv series online, four or five episodes back to back and then feeling my eyes droop and gratefully falling into a coma.
Then I wake up later than I want and rush to get stuff done during the day. Sounds like a healthy way to live, no? No. It's not, you're right.

But I did get stuff done, believe it or not. I have spent a lot of time cleaning my mother's house, garden & car, though you wouldn't be able to tell at all since she and her big black adorable nightmare of a monstrous dog make a bigger mess than all of the children I have ever looked after put together.

I also have spent a decent amount of time watching my friend Phizz pack for his move to the US. I was supposed to help him, and I did in small ways, but he insisted he had to do most of it himself, and that my presence was all he needed. So I was present, though slightly frustrated by the fact I couldn't do anything. We had a lot of fun in the hours that we were not packing, got up to the same sort of shenanigans that we did last year, driving around in fast cars in the middle of the night to random places, watching movies and eating all sorts of vegetarian Asian foods. He is a most awesome friend. I have to say knowing him has really enriched my life and knowing we will be friends far into the future always makes me feel happy and excited.
The thing about Phiroze is that he is just so different from most people, but we are similar in many ways as well and we love random spontaneous actions of crazy fun. He is optimistic, generous, funny, adventurous, caring and sincere. And he is, unlike nearly all other men I know, incredibly easy to talk to and communicates better than even some women I know.
Phizz is also truly interested in everything. And with that I mean everything, from how you're feeling to how the world works and everything in it, as well as space and beyond. Fact is, he is awesome and he, unlike most men I know, and even some women I love, frequently tells me that I am awesome too. Do you know how nice it is to have a friend who expresses their appreciation of you often? It is wonderful. And sadly in my life not very common. I am easily thrown into self doubt and sometimes even self-loathing and to have a friend who often tells you you're awesome is in one word, awesome. So, it's been wonderful spending time with him, and I miss him now that he's no longer in Amsterdam. Sure, we will have awesome fun together elsewhere around the world, but I will not be able to spend as much time with him while he lives in the US, because I just won't spend months over there like I do here. But as he says: The future is long. And exciting.

In true Phiroze style, for his 'final hurrah' in Europe, he brought five of his friends together in Paris, and we spent one glorious night being the pink brigade. I drove a rental car from the south of France where I was with my mum in Les Bernardies, two other friends were flown from Berlin and two already lived in Paris. The six of us have created a truly amazing and ever-lasting memory together, thanks to this one guy. Who else has a friend like that? Well, yes, Phizz's other friends, haha!

Anyway. I did also see other friends, most notably my friend Emily, whom you might remember as being my partner in crime last year traipsing around Amsterdam looking for cocktail bars. This year, things have been quite different as she last week gave birth to a gorgeous little girl called Olivia. She arrived nearly three weeks early, which is nice because this way I could meet her before flying back to Australia. I have to say Olivia has brought up many emotions for me, quite conflicting ones. I loved seeing my oldest and most treasured friend being pregnant, I cannot tell how much she was the shining example of the the glowing mum-to-be, for some reason it gave her tremendous power, and she became even more self-confident and determined. It was amazing to witness. I am thankful to Olivia for that, she did that even before she was born.
But when Em told me she was pregnant, I cried. And she knows they were not tears of joy, and I am not embarrassed to admit my selfish reaction. She and I had many discussions last year about the change a baby brings to women's friendships and how I am not ready to give up my friends to their children. I have spent a disproportionate amount of time with little people for one who is not a mother, and I treasure my grown-up time with my few friends.
Though of course, it didn't take long for me to get used to the idea and I have in the last few months spent quite a lot of time creating a nappy bag for her, which I finished just yesterday and gave it to her when I met Olivia for the first time. Thankfully seeing Em yesterday was just like it has always been before Olivia arrived: two good friends, enjoying each other's company, laughing, feeling good. Olivia doesn't need too much attention quite yet, so that's nicely designed by nature, giving everyone the chance to ease into the fact that she will slowly need more and more attention, which means everyone else will get less.

It is just the way it is, and should be, with children. They demand, and deserve, a lot of attention. They are new to this world, and it is our job as adults to teach them, answer their questions, and make sure they become happy, confident, responsible adults. I guess I just have to get used to the fact that, at my age, more and more people will be happy with spending more time with their kids than their friends. I'm just not ready for it myself. I still feel 24 when it comes to taking responsibility. Paying a mortgage, renovating a house, thinking of children, worrying about your mother getting older and needing help, I'm just not ready for any of that. But sometimes you don't get a choice.

Anyway, being alone in Amsterdam with my thoughts yesterday with time to think after seeing my best friend as a mother for the first time came down on me like a ton of bricks and I sat in my sister's apartment crying for quite some time. There were just a lot of things feeling bigger than I was able to handle. Phizz moving to the US, Em a mum, my mother's troubles, my having to defer Uni and still being an aimless wanderer felt just hopeless for a moment there. But nothing that packet of choc chip cookies, cups of tea and watching tv series online (see!) couldn't fix.

I am witnessing a lot of people change their lives, mostly for the better, through their own hard work and skill, and it makes me feel like a loser. It makes me feel like I might just be sabotaging myself into not taking charge of my own sense of achievement because I am too scared to do so. I feel weak and unable to become successful. There, I said it. I really want a satisfactory career, and somehow I just can't accomplish starting it. Maybe that can be my challenge for when I get back to Australia. No, not maybe: that WILL be my challenge. It is the one thing I have to do for myself. Go out there and get successful. And don't get me wrong: I don't desire making a lot of money or anything, I just want to feel like I've accomplished something. To be successful is to have success in what you're trying to achieve. But I don't know what I want to achieve quite yet. I just want a satisfying job.

But for now though, I will achieve the following: hopping back on my bike and riding through Amsterdam to my sister's place, enjoying every canal and cute house I pass. Feeling ok with how I am right now. A little fatter than I'd like to be, a little more lost emotionally than I'd like to be, in a place where I am not physically lost because I know my way around more and more, where I feel at home but where my heart always becomes a mess. That's ok. Ok is not bad.