I'm back in Australia. Home sweet second home. Or first? I can't tell anymore what's really home. I think it's here in Australia now. I'm not sure how to feel about that. But I am happy here, and that's what matters. I can have two homes. That's fine.
It's good to be back. It's cool and windy, but there's quite a lot of sun. There are lovely friends and my wonderful, sweet husband and of course the cutest, funniest dog I have ever known. Everyone is pleased to see me. I am pleased to see everyone.
Yet, I'm feeling a bit shit. I am tired, I can't get motivated and I feel like I'm being lazy and unproductive. Some might call that a jet lag. I don't know why I am expecting myself to be 'more' or 'better' than I would expect others to be if they were in my situation.
Expectations. Funny things. I don't know about you, but since my teenage years mine have shifted entirely. I used to have lots of expectations of others, and now, I'm expecting very little from others, but me - I have to be everything for everyone.
The reason why I no longer expect so much from others is because I used to get terribly disappointed when people didn't do what I was hoping for. So I adjusted my expectations. It's better this way, because I don't get so disappointed anymore.
But then I found a new frustration. I was constantly letting myself down. But that was because I was expecting too much from myself. Why?
I am very kind to my friends, I am very forgiving and understanding and caring. Why can't I be that for myself? Why do I expect things from myself that I wouldn't expect from others?
I know I am not alone in being stupidly critical of myself. I see it in my friends. Especially my girl friends and my gay boy friends. My girl friends are so hard on themselves, and my gay boy friends strive for a perfection that is almost unhealthy. They have amazing bodies and wonderful minds and yet they want to be bigger, better, more. I can see that they are just fine as they are. They are lovely. Why can't they?
And why can't I cut myself some slack? I have been home for a week and I am disappointed I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I have been to the gym three times in the the last seven days. That's fine. That's good. But I want myself to be lean again when summer comes, and for some reason that means I have to jump straight back into lots of gym and healthy eating every single day.
That's not a realistic thing to expect from a tired, jet lagged person. I have worked hard at my mum's place, doing seriously tiring physical jobs nearly every day. I have been quite sick. I have been travelling heaps in a short amount of time. And I have had many, many emotions. I would forgive my friends for being just a little bit exhausted. I would think it normal for them to need a few days to do little but recover and get back into daily life.
I have caught up with lots of people since I got back, I have been very active. It's ok to be not active right now. To just read and write and spend some time in my studio finally starting on my leather bag.
So, right now I am going to stop feeling bad about what I'm not doing. I am going to feel good about what I am doing. Like going to make myself a cup of tea.
It's good to be back. It's cool and windy, but there's quite a lot of sun. There are lovely friends and my wonderful, sweet husband and of course the cutest, funniest dog I have ever known. Everyone is pleased to see me. I am pleased to see everyone.
Yet, I'm feeling a bit shit. I am tired, I can't get motivated and I feel like I'm being lazy and unproductive. Some might call that a jet lag. I don't know why I am expecting myself to be 'more' or 'better' than I would expect others to be if they were in my situation.
Expectations. Funny things. I don't know about you, but since my teenage years mine have shifted entirely. I used to have lots of expectations of others, and now, I'm expecting very little from others, but me - I have to be everything for everyone.
The reason why I no longer expect so much from others is because I used to get terribly disappointed when people didn't do what I was hoping for. So I adjusted my expectations. It's better this way, because I don't get so disappointed anymore.
But then I found a new frustration. I was constantly letting myself down. But that was because I was expecting too much from myself. Why?
I am very kind to my friends, I am very forgiving and understanding and caring. Why can't I be that for myself? Why do I expect things from myself that I wouldn't expect from others?
I know I am not alone in being stupidly critical of myself. I see it in my friends. Especially my girl friends and my gay boy friends. My girl friends are so hard on themselves, and my gay boy friends strive for a perfection that is almost unhealthy. They have amazing bodies and wonderful minds and yet they want to be bigger, better, more. I can see that they are just fine as they are. They are lovely. Why can't they?
And why can't I cut myself some slack? I have been home for a week and I am disappointed I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I have been to the gym three times in the the last seven days. That's fine. That's good. But I want myself to be lean again when summer comes, and for some reason that means I have to jump straight back into lots of gym and healthy eating every single day.
That's not a realistic thing to expect from a tired, jet lagged person. I have worked hard at my mum's place, doing seriously tiring physical jobs nearly every day. I have been quite sick. I have been travelling heaps in a short amount of time. And I have had many, many emotions. I would forgive my friends for being just a little bit exhausted. I would think it normal for them to need a few days to do little but recover and get back into daily life.
I have caught up with lots of people since I got back, I have been very active. It's ok to be not active right now. To just read and write and spend some time in my studio finally starting on my leather bag.
So, right now I am going to stop feeling bad about what I'm not doing. I am going to feel good about what I am doing. Like going to make myself a cup of tea.
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